That's The Trouble With Chidlren's Television
by PinkFairy727
Summary: In which Jack and Owen are petrol heads, earmuffs are more than just a fashion accessory and Ianto bans The Flintstones. Jack/Ianto plus Team Torchwood.


**Authors Notes: **This is a birthday present for Erin Giles, who kindly allowed me to use her OC's Finn and Rhiannon without knowing exactly what I was up to. This fic takes place in her _Footprints In The Sand_ Universe between _A Nostalgic Yearning_ and _The Boy is Gone_.

If you've not read her stories then all you need to know is that Ianto's pregnant sister Rhiannon and her 4 year-old toddler- who is obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine- are living with Ianto.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Torchwood. Nor do I own Thomas the Tank Engine, The Flintstones, Ivor the Engine or any other TV shows mentioned in here. Finn belongs to Erin Giles.

* * *

**That's the Trouble with Children's Television**

Ianto Jones loved babysitting his nephew, Finn. He loved how Jack had slid seamlessly into the role of Uncle Jack as if he had always been there. Ianto loved the way Jack would throw himself whole-heartedly into drawing pictures with Finn, watching cartoons and letting his inner-child run wild while he allowed himself to forget about Torchwood, Weevils, and paperwork for a few hours at a time.

Unfortunately, once unleashed, Jack's inner-child was often reluctant to go away again.

***

"What about Thomas?" Jack asked his chin resting on his hand.

"We've already got a Thomas," Tosh chimed from across the Hub. "And a Gordon."

"How about James then?"

"Don't you think he's more of a Percy? Or a Henry?" Ianto asked. "I mean, he is Gwen's and green is her favourite colour."

"How do you know that?" Gwen asked with a look of surprise on her face. Ianto merely grinned in return.

"You pick then, Gwen," Jack said, gesturing to Gwen's desk with a wave of his hand. "Percy or Henry?"

"You are not bloody serious," Owen demanded from behind Jack, Gwen and Ianto, staring at the three of them with his arms folded and a look of disbelief on his face.

"What?" Jack asked. "I quite like the name Percy."

"No way. Naming the Weevils and the pterodactyl is one thing but not the computers."

"Actually," Tosh replied from her desk, "it's not unusual for people to name their computers. Some operating systems ask the user to input a name-"

"You're not helping, Tosh," Owen interrupted. Gwen, Jack and Ianto exchanged glances while Tosh smirked, returning her focus to her own computer.

"What?" Owen demanded. Jack waved Ianto forward while Gwen giggled behind her raised hand.

Turning towards Owen with a sweet and innocent _butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth_ smile, Ianto asked, "Is this the wrong time to tell you we named yours Mary Shelley?"

"...We'll take that as a yes, then?" Gwen laughed, as Ianto ducked from first a stapler and then several biros before retreating behind Gwen's desk, trying to avoid the avalanche of stationary Owen was throwing at him.

***

"I'm telling you this is a bad idea, Jack." Ianto grabbed the sleeve of Jack's coat, bringing the other man to a halt. Jack placed one of his hands on Ianto's cheek, grinning when Ianto closed his eyes and leant in to the touch, before snapping his eyes open and glaring at Jack again.

"Please don't do this."

_TOOOOOOOT!_

Ianto turned to glare at Owen now- who was sitting behind the wheel of the spare SUV and revving the engine- before turning back to Jack. Ianto sighed; Jack had a look on his face that Ianto was very familiar with. It was the one Finn wore every Christmas when he realised his mother's threats had been for nought and Santa had brought him that new Thomas the Tank Engine toy he wanted.

Ianto knew he would never say no to anything that made Jack look that young and carefree.

"I give up," Ianto replied, holding his hands up in defeat. "But I am not cleaning up the mess when you're done nor will I kiss better any cuts or bruises you get."

Jack flamboyantly kissed Ianto on the cheek before shrugging out of his coat. "Hold this for me," he said, wrapping the coat around Ianto's shoulders.

"Jack," Ianto said softly, grabbing Jack's wrist before he could race off. "Be careful." Jack kissed him softly on the lips this time, lingering a few seconds to rest his forehead against Ianto's.

"I'll be fine. I promise not to drive it into a tree...or Owen," he added, seemingly as an afterthought, before running over to the other SUV and climbing into the driver's seat.

Ianto trudged back over to the small hillock where Gwen and Tosh were already sitting. Neither of them commented on Ianto's new accessory but they did keep shooting him amused looks.

"Is this another one of those 'boys and their toys' things that girls just don't get?" Gwen asked.

"I think it's more of a 'Jack and Finn have been watching Wacky Races' things," Ianto answered, wincing when two sets of tyres squealed as Jack and Owen started their race on the deserted road.

"You know, with a bit of paint we could probably make the SUV look like the Creepy Coupe," Tosh said contemplatively, tilting her head as she surveyed the SUV.

"Oh God, please don't tell them that," Ianto panicked. "I already have to feed one dinosaur."

"I assume that means you wouldn't be in favour of an evil, sniggering dog to keep Myfanwy company?" Gwen asked with a grin.

"We already have Owen, isn't that close enough?" Gwen laughed while Tosh glared at him good naturedly."

"Okay, I take it back," Ianto said. "Owen would make a better Slag Brother anyway."

"You're only saying that because you want to hit him with one of their clubs," Tosh admonished.

"Actually, I was thinking that he's got the bedside manner of a caveman but I wouldn't pass up the opportunity if it arose," Ianto said, imagining how much extra work he would now have to do as he looked mournfully at the two SUV's, both of which were looking a lot dirtier than they were an hour earlier.

"I suppose Jack would be Peter Perfect then?" Tosh asked, breaking Ianto out of his reverie.

"He would like to think so," Ianto replied with a smirk.

"You're both wrong," Gwen interrupted before Tosh could reply, a cheeky grin on her face. "The important question is which one of them is Penelope Pitstop?"

***

"You really need to stop this," Ianto told Jack, waving a pile of papers in his hand.

"Stop what?" Jack asked, using his most innocent tone. Ianto wasn't fooled for a second.

"This," Ianto replied, placing the pile of papers on Jack's desk for him to see before leaning against it, his leg resting against Jack's chair. Each sheet contained a picture of Spot the Dog and hand-written annotations. Ianto didn't need a confession to know that the 'Aren't I cute_,' _messages were written by Jack.

"Would you believe me if I said I know nothing about these?"

"Nope."

Jack leant back in his chair. "Why are you so against us getting a puppy? I'll feed it, walk it and look after it."

"Okay, one," Ianto interrupted, counting the items off on his fingers, "remember what happened the last time you tried to take one of your pets for a walk?"

"Janet had never seen a cat before! She was only being friendly."

"Two," Ianto continued as if he had not heard Jack's comment. "Where would you keep it? The pterodactyl would eat it if you kept it here and Rhiannon hates dogs. As much fun as it would be to see you attempt to persuade my pregnant and hormonal sister that she's wrong, I clean up enough of your blood without Rhiannon spilling it all over my kitchen floor.

"And three, stop pouting."

"I'm not pouting," Jack replied, folding his arms and doing such a brilliant impression of Ianto's nephew that Ianto had to laugh.

"If Finn can't get away with that I don't know why you think you can." Jack reached out for Ianto, wrapping his arms around Ianto's hips and pulling Ianto closer to him.

"Because I'm irresistible?" Jack waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Ianto laughed again.

"You are irresistible," Ianto replied, leaning down to kiss Jack. "But you're still not getting a puppy."

***

"Jack?" Ianto mumbled at the figure hovering in the doorway, still half-asleep.

"Try again," his sister said quietly, entering the bedroom and shutting the door behind her.

"Everything okay?" Ianto asked through a yawn, lifting his head slightly. He turned following Rhiannon with his eyes as she slowly crossed the room and lowered herself onto Jack's side of the bed.

"Hmmm," she replied. "How does that boyfriend of yours have so much energy?"

Ianto shrugged and yawned again. "Just one of the many wonders of the universe." He grimaced as two loud peals of laughter shrieked from the living room. "What are they doing down there?"

"Dancing," Rhiannon replied. "They're watching Pocoyo," she elaborated at Ianto's confused and sleepy expression.

"Let's just hope they stay down there," Ianto said. "I'm exhausted."

"Most people who go to work at nine and then don't come home until four the next morning are...Jack appears to be the exception." She added when yet more squeals of laughter erupted from downstairs along with Finn's, "Again, Uncle Jack! Do it again!"

"What were you still doing up at four?" Ianto asked his sister.

Rhiannon ran her hand over her slightly swollen stomach. "Just couldn't sleep...Couldn't get my brain to shut up." She smiled weakly. Ianto reached across and squeezed her hand.

"It'll be okay, we'll work something out. And you know you, Finn and the little one will always be able to stay here."

Rhiannon squeezed his hand in return before closing her eyes, grinning as she heard the familiar opening tune to Pocoyo starting up again.

An hour later, Jack ventured upstairs to see if Ianto was awake and wanted a late breakfast. He didn't get further than the bedroom door. Ianto was still asleep, covers tucked around his shoulders but with one arm resting on top of the quilt. Rhiannon had fallen asleep- fully clothed- on top of the covers, one hand entwined with her younger brothers.

Jack retreated silently, closing the door behind him and thinking of things he and Finn could do to keep the young boy entertained without waking up either Ianto or Rhiannon.

***

"I know I'm going to regret asking this," Owen said to Tosh, Gwen and Ianto, "but why are you three all wearing earmuffs? Indoors. In the middle of summer." Predictably, none of them answered. Tosh carried on typing at her computer while Gwen and Ianto continued to scroll through CCTV footage at Gwen's, holding a conversation that consisted mostly of hand gestures and nods of their heads.

Owen sighed and walked over to Tosh, resting his hands on her shoulders. Her shriek of surprise was so loud that both Gwen and Ianto jumped in surprise.

"What's wrong, Tosh?" Gwen asked, yanking her black earmuffs off her head and rushing over towards Tosh's desk. Tosh removed her own deep-purple earmuffs, breathing heavily, before spinning around in her chair and hitting Owen on the arm with the earmuffs.

"Ow! What was that for?" Owen yelped, ignoring Ianto's smirk at his 'incredibly masculine and not at all girly' shriek.

"Were you trying to give me a heart-attack?" Tosh asked in reply, glaring at Owen as well as giving him one last hit with her earmuffs.

"I tried talking to you," Owen protested, "but you're all wearing those ridiculous earmuffs."

"They're not ridiculous," Ianto replied, waving his own earmuffs into the air. It was only now that Owen realised that Ianto had somehow managed to unearth a pair of earmuffs that were the exact same shade of red as his shirt. "They're necessary."

Owen snorted. "And they're necessary why?"

"Because," Gwen replied, "Jack's spent all morning-"

"And last night," Ianto added quietly.

"-singing the Postman Pat theme tune. Which you would know had you been in on time." She added with a stern glance.

"Sounds like I've not missed much. I still don't get the earmuffs."

"Trust me," Ianto said, "After four choruses of 'Postman Pat and his black and white cat,' you'll never want to look at a post-man again. Your earmuffs are on your desk for when you want them."

"...They're pink aren't they?"

Ianto merely smirked in reply but his smug grin quickly slid from his face as his mobile started ringing, signalling he had a text message. He glared at the phone, trying to ignore both the amused look on Owen's face, the horrified ones on both Gwen and Tosh's and the now painfully familiar song currently blasting out of his phone.

"Excuse me," Ianto said, killing the ringtone. "I believe I have a meeting with a tin of paint and a RAF coat."

***

"What. Did. You. Do?" Ianto growled from behind gritted teeth.

"Would you believe me if I said I didn't do it?"

"Have I ever believed you when you've said that?" Ianto countered, glaring at Jack.

"Not even if I said it was Owen?" Ianto considered this statement for approximately half a second.

"No." Jack sighed.

"I don't know...I'm not saying I didn't do it," Jack hastily added at Ianto's glare, "I'm just not sure what it was I did."

"So you don't think it's got anything to do with that piece of alien tech that's glowing on your desk or that Tweenies DVD you're trying to hide under that pile of reports."

"...It might have something to do with that." Ianto finally turned away from Jack and looked out of the door to his office to where Gwen and Tosh were petting two large dogs. One was red with yellow patches, the other purple and white.

Jack slowly walked behind Ianto and wrapped his arms around Ianto's waist.

"You have to admit they're cute," Jack said quietly, before trailing a line of kisses from behind Ianto's ear and down his neck.

Ianto _hmmed _in reply, placing his own hands on top of Jack's. "I know what you're doing," Ianto said, tilting his neck back as he spoke.

"Do you?" Jack replied, muffling the words into Ianto's skin.

"You're trying to distract me enough so I'll give in and say you can keep the dogs."

"Is it working?" Jack asked with a grin.

Ianto sighed. "You're never going to give up, are you?"

"Nope," Jack told him cheerfully, moving to kiss the other side of Ianto's neck.

Ianto sighed again. "Okay, fine. But," Ianto added in a warning tone as Jack smiled again, "I'm not walking it, cleaning up after it and _you _are the one who is going to listen to Owen gripe and complain about how he's a Doctor and not a vet."

Jack loosened his grip on Ianto, spinning him around. Ianto couldn't help but grin at the infectious smile on Jack's face before he was pulled into a passionate kiss. Ianto blushed as he tried to ignore Tosh's giggles and Gwen's wolf-whistles coming through the open door, focusing on Jack's desk instead. With a quick and not-at-all subtle grope of Ianto's arse as he passed, Jack bounded down the metal stairs and towards the girls' desks without a backward glance.

He would let Ianto realise on his own that the dogs were only animated dolls.

***

Jack and Ianto were alone in the boardroom, the rest of the team having shuffled out a few minutes earlier. Gwen had gone to get changed and Tosh was at her desk, double-checking that the both the normal and spare set of video camera contact lenses were working. Owen was next to her, trying to help but just getting in the way.

Unsurprisingly, Owen had been fully supportive of Jack's plan to send Gwen and Ianto undercover to Lord Anthony Giles' fancy dress party, hoping that they would be able to use the cover of other people to sneak a look at the collector's stash of alien artefacts so they could determine if he was a threat or merely a nuisance.

Gwen had frowned- at both Jack and her outfit- but had refrained from protesting, knowing Toshiko was much better suited to running communications. However, she did keep up a running commentary of insults about Jack as she walked down to the showers. If Tosh was entertained by the situation she kept this to herself- which was more than could be said for Owen. He kept glancing up at the boardroom and smirking with amusement.

"You know if it really bothers you that much I'm sure Gwen will let you wear the white outfit," Jack commented, smiling at Ianto. Ianto glared in return.

"I still don't see why you or Owen can't go."

"The owner is Welsh- yes I know you're not fluent but you know more than Owen and I put together."

Ianto continued to glare at Jack for a few seconds before replying, "You do realise that you will _never _be allowed to watch The Flintstones on my television ever again if you make me do this."

Jack shrugged, handing the orange outfit to Ianto. "I never liked it that much anyway."

"Liar," Ianto muttered under his breath before snatching the orange and black outfit out of Jack's hands and stalking into Jack's office and the small room underneath.

Gwen was already at Tosh's desk having her contact lenses fitted when Ianto emerged from Jack's office ten minutes later to Jack wolf whistling. He looked Ianto up and down, waggling his eyebrows. "What do I have to do to persuade you to keep the outfit?"

Ianto ignored him, focusing on Owen instead. "If you so much as smirk," Ianto snapped, jabbing in Owen's direction with his club, "I will hit you with this thing." Tosh chewed on her lip at that remark but wisely chose not to comment. Owen, on the other hand, looked at the club, then back at Ianto before deciding to take his chances and started to laugh hysterically.

Ianto turned away from Owen before glaring once again at a grinning Jack. "You do realise you're sleeping on the sofa for this?"

***

"Okay, what are you up to?" Ianto asked, as Jack jumped before rapidly closing the window he had been viewing on his computer.

"Nothing," Jack replied quickly before pretending to be reviewing a report on his desk.

"Uh huh, and Owen's the Queen of Sheba." Ianto ignored the loud "Oi," from Owen who was walking past the stairs at the bottom of Jack's office, on his way out of the Hub.

"What's going on?" Ianto tried again. "You and Rhiannon have both been acting weird for the last couple of days."

"What do you mean weird?" Jack asked, an innocent look on his face that always made Ianto suspicious.

"Every time I see the two of you together you're either whispering or bent over my laptop and you jump apart as soon as you see me. You also hide whatever it is your looking at on your computer every time I walk into your office...I'm starting to get paranoid."

After a few seconds, Jack sighed and waved Ianto towards him, re-opening his Internet browser. "It was supposed to be a surprise," he said while Ianto looked at the computer screen in confusion.

Ianto nodded his head at the computer screen. "Just why are you looking at this? I thought you'd given up trying to persuade Finn that Ivor the Engine is better than Thomas."

"Never," Jack grinned back at him, "but that's not what I was thinking." Ianto looked again at the website advertising the children's television show exhibition taking place at the York National Railway Museum over the next few weeks, the familiar faces of Ivor the Engine, Thomas the Tank Engine and The Fat Controller smiling back at him.

"I was thinking we could take Finn away for a couple of days," Jack continued, his words tumbling out faster than usual. "Give Rhiannon a break and get you out of the Hub for something other than Weevils or to crawl home at three in the morning. The team all said they don't mind us going and you've been looking a bit run down..." Jack's sentence trailed off as Ianto looked away from the screen and turned his full attention towards Jack.

"What do you think?" Jack asked, picking up Ianto's hand and running his thumb over Ianto's wrist.

Ianto didn't reply with words; instead he leaned down to kiss Jack, chuckling when Jack tugged on his hand and pulled him down onto Jack's lap.

"There's just one condition," Jack said when they pulled away, resting his forehead against Ianto's and running his hands up and down Ianto's back. "I get to tell Finn."

Ianto laughed. "Fine, but you also get to try and make him go to bed afterwards."

***

Ianto Jones loved babysitting his nephew, Finn. He loved the way Jack, Finn or Rhiannon would start laughing at something and then the other two would join in until tears were streaming down all of their faces. He loved the way Jack would smile at him as if he was seeing a new side to Ianto- one that could do a perfect Muttley impression and quote chunks of Ivor the Engine dialogue off by heart.

And that night, as Ianto Jones watched his hyperactive nephew bounce around his house until Uncle Jack- along with some help from King Ianto, Princess Rhiannon and Prince Finn- managed to get Finn to calm down enough to go to bed, Ianto Jones decided that maybe children's television wasn't that bad an influence after all.

* * *

**Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Let me know :c)**


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